The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of KneeDeep 'N Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

• Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
• Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
• Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
• Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
• Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
• Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
• Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW 328i back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again. This time the chicken fell in the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole." So he stretched over the width of the hole and said "grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW328i to pick up chicks.