SPECIAL CHRISTMAS EDITION

I, A:MO/BG Rendl Dronshed, would like to wish all Imperial Order members merry Christmas! I have prepared a surprise for you. It is this special Christmas edition of the Weekly Laugh that contains jokes and other kinds of funny stuff for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy yourselves to the full!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
Sandy Claus!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.

The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive'?
Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names..."

There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife,"Look honey. Its raining." She, being the obstinate type, responded,"I don't think so, dear. I think it's snowing." But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife,"Let's step outside and we'll find out." Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies,"I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

DOES SANTA REALLY DELIVER THE GOODS?

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
   
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
   
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

   This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 35 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 1000 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 71,4200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
   
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

   In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

RUDOLPH REVISITED
(to the tune of "Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer")

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
Let me tell you a secret;
it's from a drug overdose!

All of the other Reindeer
used to laugh and call him names.
That is what drove poor Rudolph
to escape into Coccaine.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say,
"Rudolph, we know what you've done."
The police came and took him away.

Now all the Reindeer are straight;
they've given up PCP,
quaaludes, and marijuana,
and flying high on LSD.

"SANTA CLAUSE" HAD A SURPRISE FOR GRANDMA

Disney's movie "The Santa Clause" mentions an 800 number which led to an Ohio grandmother's embarrassment. In the PG-rated film, Tim Allen's ex-wife offers to give him her phone number and he jokes, "What is it? 1-800-SPANK ME?"

Well, the grandmother, Shirley Dirth, thought the number was phony so she didn't mind letting her two grandchildren call it. She was quite shocked when they connected via her speaker phone to a phone sex line which let callers choose their own fantasy. On that real phone number, a woman's voice says, "Hi, sexy! You've just connected to the hottest phone line in America."

A spokesman for Disney has said it is just a coincidence and no one is begin punished. Hmmmm, a coincidence? Or was some Disney screenwriter being naughty and not nice? ;-)

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