Without a doubt, Monday's suck. Here at the Morale Office, we would like to try and make your Monday's just a little more bearable, by giving you a laugh to get you through the week. Therefore, every Sunday, the Morale Office will be posting a new joke, anecdote, or humourous comment on our Weekly Laugh Page, just to put a smile on your face and strength to fight yourself through the upcoming week.
If you have one such joke, something to put a smile on your fellow Imperials' faces, a bright note to start the week, then please forward it to A:MO/LG Rendl Dronshed at [email protected]. After all we always need a good laugh!
A MAN DECIDES TO BUY A HORSE...
A man decides to buy a horse, and heads down to the local used horse yard. The salesman convinces him to buy one particular horse, which appears in good condition. After he has paid his money, and is saddling up, the salesman tells him, "There's just one thing, the horse used to belong to a minister, so to make it go you have to say 'Praise the Lord', and to make it stop, you have to say 'Amen'". This doesn't seem too much of a problem to the man, who mounts his latest acquisition, and shouts, "Praise the Lord", at which the horse trots out the gate and down the road. The man decides to take his horse for a long ride, and heads out of town and into the hills. Suddenly he realises he is heading for the top of a cliff and panics. "Whoa, stop!!!", he yells, and of course the horse ignores him, and actually speeds up. Now dangerously close to the edge, he contemplates jumping from the horse, which shows no indication of slowing or turning. At the last possible moment, the man remembers the salesman's words, and shouts "Amen!". The horse instantly stops in its tracks, right on the brink of the cliff, sending a shower of stones clattering the hundreds of metres to the bottom. The man pulls out a handkerchief, wipes the sweat from his brow, looks up, and says, "Praise the Lord".....
THE BIGGEST LIES
HOW NOT TO DIE: THE DUMBEST DEATHS IN RECORDED HISTORY
Attila the Hun:
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD -- from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire -- by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night.
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.
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Tycho Brahe:
An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.
How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time.
In The 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition -- but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.
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Horace Wells:
Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s.
How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide.
While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.
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Francis Bacon:
One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken. One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside inthe snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.
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Jerome Irving Rodale:
Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.
How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing the benefits of organic foods. Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.
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Aeschylus:
A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.
How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head. According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.
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Jim Fixx: Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which
started the jogging craze of the 1970s.
How he died: A heart attack....while jogging Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.
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And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century composers, who wrote
music for the king of France.
While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.
Well that's it for this week folks. Be sure to check back as I will be updating this page weekly. And don't forget to send your suggestions in.
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