Without a doubt, Monday's suck. Here at the Morale Office, we would like to try and make your Monday's just a little more bearable, by giving you a laugh to get you through the week. Therefore, every Sunday, the Morale Office will be posting a new joke, anecdote, or humourous comment on our Weekly Laugh Page, just to put a smile on your face and strength to fight yourself through the upcoming week.

If you have one such joke, something to put a smile on your fellow Imperials' faces, a bright note to start the week, then please forward it to A:MO/LG Rendl Dronshed at [email protected]. After all we always need a good laugh!

PREGNANCY - QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Submitted by Colonel Thrawn

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?
A: A misconception.

Q. Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.

Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.

Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
A: Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A: Then the jig is up.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A: Your therapist.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A: I don't remember.

Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.

Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q: What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

Q: What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
A: Brute force.

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A: Authorized personnel only--doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q: What are forceps?
A: Giant baby tweezers.

Q: Does anyone in this country still give birth in the fields?
A: Not on purpose.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it's a girl, for starters.

Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.

Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: What is the gasp reflex?
A: The reaction of a new father when he sees the new mother's breasts.

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: What causes baby blues?
A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q: Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.

Q: What is colic?
A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q: What are night terrors?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

MICHAEL JORDAN
Submitted by Colonel Thrawn

Michael Jordan used to make over $300,000 a game:
$10,000 a minute assuming he averaged about 30 minutes a game.

Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he was making $178,100 a day, working or not.

Assuming he slept 7 hours per night, he made $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums danced in his head.

If he went to a movie, it cost him $9.00 (with no popcorn), but he made $18,550   while he was there.

If he decided to have a 5 minute egg, he made $618.00 while it was boiling.

He made $7,415.00 per hour more than the minimum wage.

He made $3,710.00 while watching an episode of 'Friends.'

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone had to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to hand him $2.00 every second.

He probably paid around $200.00 for a nice round of golf but he was reimbursed $33,390.00 for that round.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000.00 per year.

Last year, he made twice as much as all of our past presidents for all their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

BUT:
Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.

Translation:  Nerds Rule!

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED...
Submitted by Colonel Thrawn

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Well that's it for this week folks. I would like to thank Colonel Thrawn for his submissions. Be sure to check back as I will be updating this page weekly. And don't forget to send your suggestions in.

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