Without a doubt, Mondays suck. Here at the Morale Office, we would like to try and make your Monday's just a little more bearable, by giving you a laugh to get you through the week. Therefore, every Sunday, the Morale Office will be posting a new joke, anecdote, or humourous comment on our Weekly Laugh Page, just to put a smile on your face and strength to fight yourself through the upcoming week.
If you have one such joke, something to put a smile on your fellow Imperials' faces, a bright note to start the week, then please forward it to HC:MO/AD Rendl Dronshed at morale_officer@imperialorder.org. After all we always need a good laugh!
RANDOM THOUGHTS AND MIDDLE AGE WISDOM
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I am in shape. Round's a shape.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you but when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window?
Have you ever noticed: anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She is 97 today and we don't know where she is.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank robbery has just taken place.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it is such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE OLD WHEN...
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl go by.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for friends who exercise.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak... and they stay there.
Well that's it for this week folks. I would like to thank Colonel Thrawn for his submissions. Be sure to check back as I will be updating this page weekly. And don't forget to send your suggestions in.
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created by Admiral Dronshed
